Sitting here in this underground bunker, bits of plaster and cement dust cascading down from the shells exploding above us as heroic morons aged sixteen to sixty sacrifice their lives to buy me these few extra moments… it makes you stop and wonder… y’know, like, how’d we get here?
If I had to pick one regret, what would it be…? Well if you’re gonna force me into a corner—or underground bunker surrounded by bloodthirsty enemy troops haha—but seriously, hmmmmmm…. so if I had to do it all again: yeah, maybe I wouldn’t have declared war on America, Great Britain and Russia all at the same time.
The British were just coming off their peak with the largest empire the world has ever known. But I thought maybe the sun finally was setting on parts of it—and hey, just for the record, they declared war on me.
So when invading Britain didn’t go as quick as I’d have liked, maybe I got a little antsy jumping into the whole declare-war-on-Russia thing. But Russia’s right there. And if you knew Stalin, that dude’s so smug—you could tell he thought his mustache was cooler than mine. Anyway, wish I coulda seen the look on his face when my blitzkrieg wiped out his air force while still on the ground? That alone was almost worth it.
And the Americans? Suppose I was just down when things weren’t going my way with the Russians—well I guess about five million of ‘em are coming my way now with a vengeance haha… anyhoo, declaring war on America felt good right then, but like two days later I was waking up thinking: “oh Hitler, you big goofball… what did you just go and do?” But the way those Americans flaunted their race mixing and negrofied music, who could blame me? And Jesse Owens smoking us at the Olympics on my home turf? Not cool.
Hey, can’t take over the world without breaking fifty million eggs—but six of them were Jews, plus the five million Russian POWs we let die… do those actually count? And who’s counting anyway? Look, as a whole I feel my public speaking and dictatorial skills were strong. As reichs go, the third reich was a pretty solid reich… but maybe, just maybe I did go too far with the whole final solution thing… I guess in retrospect, the Jews actually coulda been helpful. Or perhaps I at least shouldn’t have dedicated all those train cars for that…
I suppose I didn’t really have to do it… ‘cause when it comes down to it, the Jews were my people… and if I was gonna ever rule the world they’d actually all be my people… everyone… and really thinking about it, we’re all one people…
One world… one people… one love—
“The Russians are here—? Like… here, here? Like blasting the door at the end of the hall?”
“Okay thanks for the cyanide pill, I’m gonna shoot myself in the head now. Remember to burn our bodies—but keep all my sketches and doodles on these napkins here… so that the world will know and remember Adolf Hitler for the truly great artist that he was.”
