Sounds like a bad video game title, but it’s all too real.
Raccoons: We love the idea of them—until realizing they’re diabolical. They tried to invade my home—but that was just the beginning. When my chickens’ eggs went missing I should’ve detected the culprit, but I didn’t… and the raccoons came back for blood. The permanent bandit masks should tip us off, but regrettably it’s often too little too late, as an entire continent is coming to realize.
As with all cute and fuzzy animals, we have a long history of clubbing and skinning them. Nazis didn’t feel like waiting to conquer America for their own supply… next thing you know a bomb falls on one of their raccoon farms, a couple dozen escape, and mother nature cuts loose.
Waking at dawn one morning, I saw a raccoon emerge upside down from a tiny hole in my garage—impressive moves to make a ninja proud, especially since it had full belly. “Looks… kinda… fat.” I thought to myself before falling back asleep. Later unlocking the doors to my garage and chicken coop, I beheld a grisly murder scene: a chicken lay killed and half eaten. I then installed sliding, interlocking bolt locks for the coop.
Hey, at least it didn’t drag my baby away, like in this Philly apartment: https://www.cbsnews.com/news/raccoon-philadelphia-baby-attack/
The invaders are taking over. That few dozen during WWII has since spawned one million strong, sending the orderly-minded Germans up in arms, and other countries falling like dominoes to the invasion.
And, as if Europe didn’t already have their hands full, enter the even cuter Asian variant: the raccoon dog. Can we blame the Russians? Yes, we all know that releasing invasive species will forever destroy the gentle balance of an ecosystem, but who among us could resist the temptation of hunting these to drape over their wives’ shoulders?
What’s worst about the North American version is their sense of entitlement. If you so much as confront a raccoon, they don’t run—nope, totally unfazed. Maybe they’ll stop and look at you, inconvenienced as if to say, ‘what do you want now?”
The latches I installed only worked for a month before they figured them out, and I discovered their next bloody victim in my coop. Keep them out.
One more reason to not start a world war.
