I’m a killer, and dammit I deserve some praise. I will not stand back while millennials take all the credit for the advancement of our society. As a Gen-Xer, we’re also due our recognition for the demise of many shallow, not-so-long standing American “traditions”.
They aren’t even traditions (by definition the transmission of customs or beliefs past from generation to generation) instead just successful marketing campaigns that worked on Baby Boomers. Rock and Roll forever. Thank you boomers, but some of this other stuff has gotta go.
Pinned with the death of everything from the European Union to Canadian tourism, a couple things millennials haven’t been accused of killing include: logic and progress.
In my lifetime I’ve seen the role of handkerchiefs, as a perpetual snot-rag, fade to nothingness without so much as a peep of outcry. But napkins—oh, for the love of humanity—why, why, are millennials challenging the sacred institution of the napkin?
Don’t know and don’t care. But I’ve been pounding nails in the coffins of these other ones since the 1900’s, and am happy to see millennials bringing out the shovel:
Sitcoms? Dead? [insert canned laughter]
Brady Bunch, Seinfeld and a few others aside, sitcoms don’t warrant nostalgia. Who really misses being told when to laugh by someone somewhere pushing a button? [insert canned laughter]
Yes today’s reality TV is garbage, but who still wistfully longs for these contrived, stagnant situational comedies? These dinosaurs roamed when there were only three channels. Here’s a standard sitcom formula pre-2000: nothing ever changes except one weekly situation. [Insert canned laughter] Attractive man and woman working together? They almost—but never quite—reveal their feelings. Hold the tension indefinitely for years… until the ratings drop. Then marriage, baby, shark jump, etc. Should we be surprised that something that never evolved is dying off? [insert canned laughter]
Dramatic TV series have elevated to the level of challenging cinema. I’ll take Sopranos or Breaking Bad over _______ [insert 97% of sitcom titles] any day of the week. [insert canned laughter]
Running
I have few regrets in life, and running is perhaps the biggest.
To this day people still ask “Are you a runner? You look like a runner.” No. And when I was running you wouldn’t have been impressed, you’d have been concerned. I was scary skinny. Back in high school people were like “I thought that new world hunger exchange student was supposed to be from Somalia…”
I’ll admit it builds character. I learned a person can not only find their second wind, but a third… and fourth… (the fifth, sixth, and seventh) kinda blend together as the body’s endorphins try desperately to numb the misery).
Coming from someone who did it for fifteen years: running is a horrible form of exercise. If you love doing it and you’re naturally inclined, more power to ya. Of course some truly are born for it, but the vast majority of us are better designed to walk—and it’s a much more practical form of exercise: no need to change clothes, sweat, suffer, shower and change again after a brisk walk. While walking one can enjoy the scenery. Ahhh. Want to call a friend? Dial away and talk with ease.
People want to exercise, but dread running: not a constructive association. I can tolerate the quick, short sprints of high intensity interval training. But in high school we’d run SIX MILES as a WARMUP. Fun!?
Running isn’t going down without a fight. There’s now a national running day. This should be approached with every bit of controversy as Columbus Day. I mean, people are suffering.
9-to-5 Workday
Most of my time in college was spent trying to figure out how to avoid getting a 9-to-5 job that others, for some reason, strived for.
“Congrats on the new job! What time will you drivin’ to work?”
“Oh you know… same time as everyone else—when the roads are clogged with traffic. Been looking for a job that would set a huge, unbreakable appointment every day, and being stuck in gridlock on my way there makes for a great start.”
The only reason we’d ever subject ourselves to this in the first place is because we’ve been trained: school forced us to involuntary commit ourselves for eight hours a day with no exceptions.
Today, like it or not, tech makes us available to be working all the time from just about anywhere. Yes it’s good we, as a society, coordinate our schedule to try and keep evenings and weekends off limits. But if you’re responsible and productive enough to get your work done without supervision, it should be about getting work done, not simply being present.
Bar soap
Who doesn’t love bar soap? But there’s a time an place for everything.
Sitting in a puddle of filth, its underside a slimy waterlogged mess, are we really wondering why bar soap is losing appeal?
Reminiscing my poverty-ridden past, it’s associated with sharing bar of shower soap that degenerated into soggy soap chips infused into the tray. I don’t miss scraping off soap chips clean myself. My broke self much preferred watering down liquid soap to get by.
Scientific studies show bar soap is completely hygenic: Apparently the scientists haven’t lived with roommates and seen small curly hairs embedded in their soap. Goody for them.
Would said scientists wash their face with a bar of soap left from a keg party? Not on a bet.
The environmental impact of liquid hand soap is easy to overcome: use foaming wash and refill by mixing a little dishwashing liquid with water.
Yes if I’m at a nice place with low traffic, a good quality soap soap can’t be topped. And hype aside, does anybody really think bar soap is going to die? Why is anyone talking about this? (What has my life become?) Bar soap is, and is gonna be just fine.
